The Larry Craig Debacle: What Have We Learned?

By the time you read these words, the sad saga of toe-tapping Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig’s same-sex shenanigans in a Twin Cities airport toilet and its repercussions will be well into its fifth week.

For those who have been too preoccupied with Amy, Britney and Lindsay’s respective rehabs to notice, here’s a quick recap: On August 27, Washington’s political newspaper Roll Call publishes story of Craig’s early August plea deal to a June 11 bust by a (very hunky) vice cop for soliciting sex in a men’s room well-known by those seeking anonymous bathroom blow-jobs. Within a day, the Idaho Statesman publishes a lengthy investigative piece alleging Craig’s homo-sex trysts date back to his college days in the 60’s. Activist blogger Mike Rogers points out he published other allegations of Craig toilet sex on his Blogactive.com site nearly a year ago. The Smoking Gun tabloid website offers up the full police report and Craig’s mugshot. Snaps of sexy Sgt. Ray Karnsia show up as well.

A day later with wife in tow, Craig tells the press "I’m not gay, never have been gay." Hours later the audio tape of the cop’s interview with Craig reveals the senator at his Clintonesque best failing to remember the particulars of an incident that occurred literally just moments before. Also in the news: There were 41 busts during the month of the Senator’s collar in the same bathroom, which is listed widely on sites such as crusisingforsex.com and - would you believe? - the Twin Cities version of Craig’s List.

Virtuous Republicans from presidential hopeful John McCain to also-disgraced one-time Majority Leader Trent Lott call for Craig’s resignation. His committee chairmanships are pulled. By the weekend, Craig indicates he’ll quit at the end of September.

Or maybe not. Craig hires the same defense attorney used by dog-killin’ NFL quarterback Michael Vick and a new spin begins. Craig’s adopted kids appear on Good Morning America to vouch that their daddy’s not queer. (One of them later gets in trouble for an outstanding arrest warrant). Craig announces that he’s both reconsidering his resignation and going to get his lawyer to fight his own guilty plea. Almost immediately White House insiders spill their lack of support for Craig’s latest ploy.

Craig's attorney files a motion to withdraw his guilty plea, now allegedly "filed under media pressure." Not so the prosecutor counters - Craig was "calm and methodical" in his plea bargaining. Ever quick to latch onto a good story involving a conservative that will prove it is not the evil force destroying America that right winguts claim, the ACLU takes up Craig's cause.

Throughout the scandal radio and TV talkers, bloggers, pundits and political spokesmodels across the spectrum opined on the hypocrisy and humor of it all. Some questioned the effect on the GOP in the next election cycle, while others made note of Craig’s "wide stance" on the issues. The only thing that seems to be missing is the Weekly World News publishing a photo of Craig’s toilet tête-à-tête with that ubiquitous space alien.

I had originally suspected that the whole Craig affair likely would peter out, so to speak. Once a tape of your misdialed voice mail detailing the whole reconsideration strategy hits the web, can you make a credible case for any part of your story? However the story has had the staying power that makes a double dose of Cialis look limp.

That said, here’s a quick list of lessons learned from the whole sorry affair to date. I’m going to skip the obvious issues: hypocrisy of the Right (or the Left for that matter), sex stings, privacy issues, and so on. They’ve already been analyzed to death.

1. Larry Craig Isn’t Gay - Really. If you believe that being gay means accepting your personal sexual self-discovery and integrating it into your total being just like your handedness, eye color or other trait, then Larry Craig is about as far from gay as you can get, at least without entering a monastery. Larry Craig is at best a member of that ubiquitous breed known as "bi-married-curious," the ones who research studies show overwhelmingly populate the restrooms, rest stops, park trails and other public places of the planet. The ones social scientists and disease prevention specialists like to refer to as "MSM" (men who have sex with men).

In a new century where gay teenagers are now coming to grip with their genetic affectional and sexual predisposition at the same time their straight peers, our community does not need to welcome Senator Craig to the family. He is the dinosaur from the Boomer generation whose heroes made GayLiberation possible. Craig’s species may still exist, but the comet of full gay visibility has already hit the culture - in a generation or two Larry and his fellow Craigosaruses will be but a memory.

But there is also a warning for you Gayactivosaurs: that same comet is wiping out your species as well. Check with the rank and file of today’s twentysomethings who hang equally with their straight buddies, living fully integrated lives in the what-you-like-to-call the "mainstream" community. You got your wish: gay is equal to blue eyes or left-handedness now. As such it will be “no big deal” in years to come. Your task? Polish up the leftover identity based politics now - time is short. Your other choice? Evolve and get involved with a new progressive movement such as CommonThread, one that offers our community members a place at their diverse table as equals.

2. GOP Stands For "Gag On Penis." Since Craig’s cruising crash, we’ve been inundated with jokes about the "Gay Old Party," or "God’s Own Party," but my definition really explains it all. For those playing the counting game, the list of Republicans caught in the same-sex spotlight just keeps getting longer and longer: this last month alone Craig, Florida Rep. Bob Allen and Young Republican Federation chair Glenn Murphy, Jr. made the list. When you add the outed and semi-outed Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Jim Kolbe, Ed Schrock, Ken Mehlman, David Dreier, Duke Cunningham, Rick Perry, etc. plus the RNC politicos’ gay staffers (Rick Santorum’s Robert Traynham, Trent Lott’s Dirk Smith, etc.) to the still-not-completely-outed (at least according to outing blogger Rogers) Lindsey Graham, James McCrery and others, the list boggles the mind.

Why, it’s even longer than faux White House "correspondent" Talon News’ Jeff Gannon-Guckert’s alleged, advertised, for-hire manhood. More importantly, with the exception of the Jim Kolbe, all handled their revelations poorly. You might even say they choked. That list also is certainly longer that the one neocon apologists are rattling off from their talking points du jour: Barney Frank, Gerry Studds and Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton? Now I understand: the Republican holier-than-thous weren’t morally outraged over Monica’s Oval Office oral efforts, they were upset Bill didn’t offer them sloppy seconds.

3. Thanks For The Dance Lesson! I can only speak for myself, but until I saw the tearoom tap dance played out on YouTube, I had no clue that was how to get sex in the stalls. I asked a lot of friends. I also asked co-workers who do prevention outreach with the MSM community. Some talked about lingering glances and southward gazes. Only one had heard of footsie frolicking. None were up on the toe tapping. Thanks, Larry for one more bit of useless information to store for the rest of my life.

Actually I’ve learned a lot about the most bizarre sexual practices from homo-haters when I think about it. I have to thank Rantin’ Ralph Ovadal andhis Pink Swastika author buddy Scott Lively for getting me up to speed on something they called "mud dipping." Good luck finding it on Google. As I recall it involves a bath tub and feces. There are probably people out there in fetish communities who get into that sort of thing. But it ain’t gay per se - it only homo if the two people of the same sex are involved, you know.

4. Next Time Hit The VIP Lounge. The experienced gay travelers in my social circle have little doubt about what Larry was up to in that Twin Cities toilet last June. They know that if you want to avoid the crowds, the mess, the smells and the damp spaces you have to drop your carry-ons in - not to mention any unwanted come-ons - the only place to go - in every sense of the word - is to and in the VIP lounges provided by every major airline in every major hub in the world. Even if Senator Craig wasn’t a member of any frequent flyer clubs, my guess is that the same business card he dropped on the cop plus his boarding pass would have gotten him easy access to any VIP stall available from his flight provider. Of course, there aren’t many productive peeks when you’re accessing such perks.

5. For The GOP, It Ain’t Over Yet. Even if Craig ups and goes away quietly by the time this piece hits the streets, the embarrassment is not over for the Republican Party. Have you heard where the already-booked 2008 RNC national convention is going to be held? Welcome GOP Delegates To Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Would you prefer your stall to be sex or no-sex?

The above is an updated version of a piece that appeared in the September 12 edition of Quest.